the past couple of days have been hard

My hubby has worked everyday since last Monday...not complaining because the money is good to catch up bills. Plus the tooth he broke last week can be fixed this week!! Anyways it has been hard not having him here to help me through my "episodes". I was upset yesterday afternoon so I ended up cutting. I have been cutting since I was a teenager. I only cutting maybe 3 times until after I married my ex-husband. I have lots of scars and I had almost completely quit cutting until the last few months, now I have fresh scars and a lot of them. People think only teenagers cut and that they only cut for attention. Let me make it clear that is not always true. That is a stereo-type that came along with the so called Emo kids. Cutters were way before Emos came along. "Normal" adults cut also and it's not for attention. At least I know from my experiences it's for a type of release. It releases built up mental stress from all of the abuse that I've experienced in my life. My ex-husband was a horrible, vile, sexual, emotional and verbal abusive man! The cutting when I was a teenager was more or less experimental because a friend told me she did it and it helped her. I was not abused by anyone during that time. The cutting that started when I was with my ex-husband was because of the abuse. I was abused in every way imaginable and unimaginable almost every day for 5 years! I don't know how I made it through that experience except for the love of my kids!!! I was terrified and didn't know how to get away. I was told he would find me and kill me and my kids and anyone who helped me get away. I was also told he would kill my family and burn them in their houses afterwards so I would never see them again alive or dead!! The only two things that were great from that marriage were my two sons and they have became wonderful men!! The last time they saw that man was in 1992...my youngest was 1 year old and the oldest was almost 3. They were raised by me and my current husband who I married in 1993. He is a wonderful man and helped my boys become responsible, intelligent, kind and honest men. I'm very proud of my sons and my husband. My husband has been by my side through all of this and I don't know what I would do without him!!
Hopefully things will start looking up after I see my doctor again on Wednesday!! I hope everyone has a good afternoon!! :)

I have to apologize!!

I have some apologizing to do tonight! After all of the investigations were completed my cousin didn't have gunshot residue on his hands but his girlfriend did. He never waivered in any of the questioning that was done. He told the same story exactly the same at least a dozen times without any difference. The forensic testing even added up...the way the bullet went in proved that she was the one who shoot herself. I'm so glad I didn't accuse him to his face and I feel so bad about thinking he did it. That's what happens though when you have such bad behavior, people start to believe the worse about you. I thank God that he didn't do this and I also pray to God that Linda heals and does well. She is responding to commands...she raised her arm and leg when the doctors asked her to and she also responded to my cousin when he spoke to her and asked her if she wanted to go home she shuck  her head yes. She is still on the ventilator but it is promising by the other things she is accomplishing. They also said the bullet fragmented into tiny pieces all in the part of her brain that controls her personality and that she would not be the same person as she was before. I pray that she will not be far different. I feel so bad about thinking my cousin did it. I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry! :(