the past couple of days have been hard

My hubby has worked everyday since last Monday...not complaining because the money is good to catch up bills. Plus the tooth he broke last week can be fixed this week!! Anyways it has been hard not having him here to help me through my "episodes". I was upset yesterday afternoon so I ended up cutting. I have been cutting since I was a teenager. I only cutting maybe 3 times until after I married my ex-husband. I have lots of scars and I had almost completely quit cutting until the last few months, now I have fresh scars and a lot of them. People think only teenagers cut and that they only cut for attention. Let me make it clear that is not always true. That is a stereo-type that came along with the so called Emo kids. Cutters were way before Emos came along. "Normal" adults cut also and it's not for attention. At least I know from my experiences it's for a type of release. It releases built up mental stress from all of the abuse that I've experienced in my life. My ex-husband was a horrible, vile, sexual, emotional and verbal abusive man! The cutting when I was a teenager was more or less experimental because a friend told me she did it and it helped her. I was not abused by anyone during that time. The cutting that started when I was with my ex-husband was because of the abuse. I was abused in every way imaginable and unimaginable almost every day for 5 years! I don't know how I made it through that experience except for the love of my kids!!! I was terrified and didn't know how to get away. I was told he would find me and kill me and my kids and anyone who helped me get away. I was also told he would kill my family and burn them in their houses afterwards so I would never see them again alive or dead!! The only two things that were great from that marriage were my two sons and they have became wonderful men!! The last time they saw that man was in 1992...my youngest was 1 year old and the oldest was almost 3. They were raised by me and my current husband who I married in 1993. He is a wonderful man and helped my boys become responsible, intelligent, kind and honest men. I'm very proud of my sons and my husband. My husband has been by my side through all of this and I don't know what I would do without him!!
Hopefully things will start looking up after I see my doctor again on Wednesday!! I hope everyone has a good afternoon!! :)

I have to apologize!!

I have some apologizing to do tonight! After all of the investigations were completed my cousin didn't have gunshot residue on his hands but his girlfriend did. He never waivered in any of the questioning that was done. He told the same story exactly the same at least a dozen times without any difference. The forensic testing even added up...the way the bullet went in proved that she was the one who shoot herself. I'm so glad I didn't accuse him to his face and I feel so bad about thinking he did it. That's what happens though when you have such bad behavior, people start to believe the worse about you. I thank God that he didn't do this and I also pray to God that Linda heals and does well. She is responding to commands...she raised her arm and leg when the doctors asked her to and she also responded to my cousin when he spoke to her and asked her if she wanted to go home she shuck  her head yes. She is still on the ventilator but it is promising by the other things she is accomplishing. They also said the bullet fragmented into tiny pieces all in the part of her brain that controls her personality and that she would not be the same person as she was before. I pray that she will not be far different. I feel so bad about thinking my cousin did it. I don't know what else to say but I'm sorry! :(

it's been a while!

Well it's been a while. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would post everyday but I've been going through a lot. I've been going to my psychiatrist and counselor and I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. I don't know a lot about it yet...it's hard to concentrate on anything right now. I'm trying to research it and I've been doing my cognitive therapy. I don't know what else to say about it right now. My counselor did a test to determine what disorder if any I had  and decided it was the bipolar 2. Like I said I'm still very confused and don't know much about it and when you hear bipolar you think oh I'm crazy then! I go to my psychiatrist again on the 6th of next month and hopefully she can make some things more clear to me. I don't feel like doing much but being at home in the peace and quite. Some days I feel turned inside out and don't know what to do with myself. Hopefully a remedy will be made for me soon!
I also woke to the news that my cousin's girlfriend supposedly shot herself in the forehead at 2am yesterday morning and he didn't report it until around 9am this morning! She also had a big gash in her back. She was still alive but in a coma and he had put her in the bathtub to try and wake her up. He claims she had sit up and watched tv with him last night and was ok when she went to bed...really with a gunshot wound in her forehead? She is in surgery right now having the bullet removed...if it can be and they don't know if she is going to live are not!! He and his mother claim they didn't call 911 because their cell phones had been turned off and she begged them not to call because she would have refused treatment anyways. Oh and then this morning they remembered you can still call 911 on a deactivated cell phone. They have neighbors all around them and they have a car. Why not go to your neighbor or put her in the car and take her to the hospital regardless if she said she didn't want to? I would have taken someone to the hospital if they accidently grazed their toe with a bullet!!!!!!!  I just don't think 2+2 add up to 1 on this situation. Just Saturday night he had been at my sister's house drunk or doped up and was acting so strangely she went to her bedroom and locked herself inside the door. He went outside with her husband and ended up pulling a knife on a friend of ours and telling everyone he was going to kill them. He also has been hiding in the woods in front of my sister's house watching every thing  they do. He yells out the window at his mother's house that just wait they are all gonna be dead. He has ruined his brain with all the drugs and alcohol he does. He has had other girlfriends and a wife in the past that he has shot at and they didn't press charges on him so the police didn't do anything to him because the women wouldn't cooperate with the law. I don't believe she shot herself!! I think he did and I hope the truth comes out and he rots in jail for this if he did do it!!! If he didn't I still think he should still serve time for not getting her help sooner!!!
Well I guess that's all on this subject for now and hopefully some light will be shed on my disorder for me soon. I know some of my reader must be thinking wow what a crazy family you got there woman...I really hope not. If anyone can help me understand my disorder please comment and tell me about it please!!!!

Day 30 of 30 day challenge-What have I learned in the past month?

So this is the last day of my 30 day blogger challenge...I kinda feel sad about it!
My topic is what I've learned in the past month. Well I've learned a lot the past month. I've learned it takes a lot of work to post a post every day on a blog and to make the commitment it requires for it's up keep. I've also learned that it is hard to find things to write about yourself on command! LOL
I've also had the personal problems with depression and repressed feeling from the abusive relationship from years ago...before my hubby now...that I never dealt with that Ambien brought to a head. I've learned a lot about myself through therapy and the help of my dear awesome hubby! There is a lot of work left to work through all of that but with the help of my loved ones I will get through it day by day.
Well I guess this is it for my first blogger challenge. I must find another one now so I can commit to make a post every day. I know I have a lot I could post about without a blogger challenge but I think the challenges are a fun idea for my blog.

Day 27-29 of 30 day challenge...behind so gotta catch up!

Well here I am on day 27 of my 30 day blogger challenge but once again I'm behind so I will post  days 27- 29 today to catch up.

Day 27 my topic of the day is about my favorite brand of clothing/bags/whatever
Ok my favorite brand of clothing is Victoria's Secret, my favorite brand of bags is Coach, my favorite brand of footwear is UGGS, and my favorite perfume is Estee Lauder Pleasures Bloom. Well I guess that's it for my favorites for now. :)

Day 28 my topic is hauls this month...I'm guessing this means what I've bought this month. Well it is almost Christmas so I can't name a lot of what I've bought this month but I can name some! I got a new pair of yoga pants, 9 pair of panties, 2 bras, 2 over sized shirts, one pink and one purple, and a blue hoodie with angel wings on the back from Victoria's Secret. I got more scrapbooking supplies to make mini Christmas scrapbooks. I also bought new mascara, and eye shadow. I don't know what gifts I will get from my family but I will have to post about that later. Well I guess that's it for my hauls of the month. :)

Day 29 my topic is- why am I doing this 30-day challenge? Well I guess I'm doing this challenge for the challenge to see if I could do it. Yep I did get behind but the point was for me to do it! I only have one more day and I'm very proud of myself for sticking in here and getting it done even if I did have to do multiple post on the same day a couple of times. I stuck in here and I did it!!!! Now I must find another challenge to do.,.it's been very fun...even if I don't have an audience to read or comment on my posts it's still fun!!! :)

Day 26 of 30 day challenge-who am I?

                          Day 26 of my 30 day blogger challenge asks who am I?

 I am a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister, aunt, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, cousin, niece, and granddaughter. I'm an everyday person with everyday problems and joys!! I'm kind hearted, loving and caring. I'm moody and selfish at times. I love the people in my life whole heartedly. I hold grudges and can be very strong willed. I get my feelings hurt very easily and don't forgive very easily at times but at other times I forgive in a heartbeat. I love animals, and babies, especially my Boogie, Waylon and Callie!! I love my husband so much, he is my soul-mate and I can't not imagine life without him. I love my boys more than words can explain. I have enjoyed raising them and now that they are grown I don't know what to do with myself and I have major empty nest syndrome!! I love Christmas and snow but that is the only part of winter I love. I love the season fall best of all the seasons, I love the color pink especially with black or zebra striped. I love zebras and wish I could own one!! I love the ocean, I love the sand between my toes and the wind in my hair. I love finding things on the shore that you would never expect to find there. I love to find perfect seashells and finding a brilliant piece of sea glass in an unexpected color. I love sitting in the sunshine. I love so many things and enjoy life. Once I get out of the funk that I've been in for the past couple of months I will be so excited to enjoy life to the fullest again!! Well there's a lot more of me but for now I guess this is it. :)

Day 25 of 30 day challenge-What makes me different from people my age?

Finally I'm caught up!!! YAY!!
Day 25 of my 30 day blogger challenge's topic is what makes me different from people my age?
Well to begin with I'm not employed but not due to not being able to find employ but because of my health and luckily I have a husband who chooses me to be able to be at home and take care of our home. People my age are more career oriented than I am. People my age are usually more active and are out having lots of fun with their friends more than I do. Living with Fibromyalgia it's not as easy for me to be out and active all the time. Plus I don't have friends! Friends in my experience only back stab and cause trouble!! I would love to find some friends who are trustworthy and honest! I guess my husband and I choose to be totally family oriented and live our life out of the hustle and bustle way of life like most people life their lives now days. We both have social anxiety and it's hard for us to be around a lot of people to begin with. I love my life and would not like it changed in any way. Some people reading this may think we are isolated and old fashioned and I guess they are right, but it's our life and we love it!! :)

Day 24 of 30 day challenge-favorite haunts during the weekend.

Day 24 of my 30 day blogger challenge is my favorite haunts during the weekend. Well we don't really have any favorite haunts on the weekend unless it's home for  me or his parent's house for John. We don't really have any friends other than family or John has a few friends at work. So John usually goes to his parents to help them their with their place or goes hunting and I usually hang out at home, cleaning...as usual...or doing my crafts. In between we will go grocery shopping or shopping for other  things we need. Yes I live a boring life!!! :)

Day 23 of day 30-5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.

Ok day 23 of my 30 day blogger challenge is about 5 things that irritate you about the opposite sex/same sex.

1). Males who think women are below them and are not as strong as they are.

2). Females or even males for the matter...who have bad attitudes and want to fight with everyone.

3). When lost males will not stop and ask for directions...thank goodness for GPS!!! :)

4). Women who think they are better than you because of the brand of clothing, shoes or bags they wear!! Maybe some people just choice to spend their money in more wisely ways!! I can't stand snobby people...male or female!!

5). Males who think all female drivers are bad drivers. I've known some very bad male drivers but that doesn't make them all bad!!! :)

Day 22 0f 30 day challenge-someone I would switch life with for a day.

Ok on day 22 my topic was to name someone I would switch life with for a day. This one is an easy one because I would never want to switch life with anyone for a day. First reason is my life is my life and as crazy as it can be I love it and my family. I don't want to be away from my husband for a day of my life!!! I don't want to switch my life for anyone else's for another reason...their life could actual not be as it appears. Lastly what if something happened and I couldn't switch back? So I'm sorry but I don't want to switch my life for anyone's life!! :)

Day 21 of 30 day challenge-my pet peeves

I'm sorry I'm so behind on my blogger challenge. Those personal problems I've had have really been bad the past few days. I will do my best to do better. I will be making multiple post today to get caught up. Ok on to day 21 of my 30 day blogger challenge. The topic of the day was my pet peeves. I have lots of pet peeves!! Walking on my freshly vacuumed rug with dirty shoes drives me insanely crazy. People picking at scabs makes me so nauseated. People letting their kids run around crazy at restaurants or the grocery stores. Please corral your kids people!!! People making excuses or blaming someone else for something that is clearly their fault. Not cleaning up after yourself. Oh I could go on and on and on!! So I guess I will stop for now. Please leave a comment and let me know what your pet peeves are!!! :)

Day 20 of 30 day challenge- a person I look up to.

Wow  day 20 of my 30 day blogger challenge already!! My topic today is about a person I look up to.
The person I look up to the most is my husband. He is my soul mate and is always here for me!! He is the most important person in my life. I love him with all my heart and soul. I would give my last breath for him and he would for me too! You only find a love like this once in a lifetime! He is my everything!!  I love you hubby!!!

Day 19 of 30 day challenge- talk about your siblings.

On day 19 of my 30 day blogger challenge I have to talk about my siblings.

Ok I have 2 sisters and no brothers. I'm the middle daughter. My older sister is 5 years older than me. She has a son and a daughter. They are 11 years apart so she pretty much started over when she had her daughter. Her son has a 4 year old son. Her daughter is a sophomore in high school. She is single and works as a dispatcher for the local sheriff's department. She lives right down the road from us. My youngest sister is 13 months younger than me. She has only one child, a son. He has a daughter who is 1 year old today. She has been married for 11 years. She has worked for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice for 19 years. She also lives right down the road from us.
I love both of my sisters and their families very much and so glad I have them in my life.

Day 18 of 30 day challenge-Things that I do when I'm stuck at home on a rainy day.

On day 18 of my 30 day blogger challenge I must tell what things I do when I'm stuck inside on a rainy day.
Well if my hubby is home you can guess what he wants to do all day on a rainy day...I will keep it PG-rated!! LOL
On rainy days when stuck inside I usually clean, watch tv, read or do things on my computer...usually either facebook, pogo games, or abandoned places. Oh and I blog sometimes!! :)
I love to snuggle up on the couch with my pillows and soft cushy blanket!! Normally I'm almost ran off the couch by my weinie dog and cat so they can snuggle up in them tho!! LOL notice I said almost!! :)

                                         Waylon trying to hog the couch!! LOL

Callie hogging the bench we used as a couch...now we have a big comfortable couch. She still hogs the big couch we have now!! LOL :)

Well guess that's it for day 18! :) I hope everyone has a wonderful day!! (((HUGS)))

Day 17 of 30 day challenge-A picture of me 2-3 years ago and now. How much have I change since then?

Day 17 of my 30 blogger challenge I have to post a picture of me 2-3 years ago and now. How much have I change since then?

This is me about 3 years ago. I had long blonde hair!! I also weighed about 25 pounds more than I do now!!

This is me now. Now I have short black hair and have lost lots of weight!! The difference in these two photos is huge!! I have grown more as a person also. I've had to start facing a lot of demons in my life now. I've held so much in for so many years and all that is surfacing!! I'm going to be in such a better place when I post a new photo of me in 2-3 years from now!!! Maybe then I will be able to share some of those demons I have faced!! Well that's it!! :)

Day 16 of 30 day challenge-my blog story

Day 16 of my 30 blogger challenge I'm supposed to explain my blog story.

Well there's really not much to my blog story other than a place to put my feelings down and try to get my depression under control. I want to be able to connect with other people who may be going through the same things I am or that has the same family and religious values that my family and I do. I love my family and I would like to share my family with others. We are loud and drama filled. lol We have troubles but we also have lots of love and good times together!! So I guess that is my blog story. I know it is probably a boring place in cyber space but hopefully there are some readers out there that will enjoy The Whitley's Chaotic Life...hopefully!! :)

Day 15 of 30 day challenge-long term goals

First off I can't believe I'm half way done with this challenge!!!

Day 15 of my 30 day blogger challenge is about my long term goals.
My long term goals are first to get my depression under control. It's been really hard the past month or so. If anyone else reading this has depression you know how hard it is. You tell yourself snap out of this and get over it but it's not that easy! I've been going to a professional and hubby has been a huge help!! I don't know what I'd do without him!! He is my rock and I love him so very much!!!
Next is save the money to buy a car. We don't want payments so we are going to save and then just go buy one. We also need to save money for the home improvements we need to make.Saving money is another thing easier said then done!!
Well that's all the goals I can think of for now so I guess that's it's for day 15. Halfway done...I need to find another challenge for when this one is finished!! lol

I'm behind!! Day 13 & 14 of my 30 day challenge.

I've been dealing with some really hard personal feelings the past few days and have neglected my blog...I'm sorry! I've really tried but when dealing with depression some days some things are just put on the back burner. Now I have a lot of catching up to do so, here we go:

Day 13 of my 30 day blogger challenge topic is: Put my Ipod on shuffle and the first 10 songs that play as well as quotes from them. Well this is an easy topic to do because sadly I don't own an Ipod. I know what you're thinking...WHAT you don't own an Ipod? Nope I don't!! I did but hubby ended up with it cause I hardly ever used it. What is the use in having something if you don't use it? So that's that on this topic! LOL

Day 14- Songs that I listen to when I'm happy/mad/sad/bored/hyper/etc...
Ok I do listen to music! I listen to music on my truck radio and on the tv music channels as well as my computer. The music I listen to when I'm happy is any of Zac Brown Bands songs as well as some of the oldies like Van Morrison, Otis Redding, Marvin Gaye, etc... When I'm mad I guess I don't like to listen to music at all . When I'm sad old country music, bored I'll listen to anything, hyper I'd say something like Pantera and Metallica. I listen to a large variety of music. The only music I do not like is rap. I hate rap!!!
So that it for day 13 & 14 :)

Day 12 of 30 day challenge-10 things about you people really don't expect

I really have to think about this topic. It's day 12 of my 30 day blogger challenge and my topic is 10 things about me that people really don't expect. Ughhhh this is going to be interesting!LOL

1. I have a potty mouth! I try to control it and have even considered starting a quarter swearing jar...boy that thing would be full in a New York minute!! ;p

2. I'm terrified of clowns...that swearing jar would be full at just the sight of one! :D

3. I love guns.

4. I'm very creative.

5. I'm obsessive and compulsive.

6. I love sushi.

7. I'm freaked out by scabs! They are just gross and if someone is picking at one I want to scream at them to stop picking their freaking sore!!

8. I want to learn how to speak German.

9. I wish I could have lived in the medieval times. Not so I could have been beheaded though LOL That part of history is so interesting to me...the castles, the clothes, the dancing, the games and etc...

10.I can take my computer apart and fix it or at least I changed my keyboard and my charging port  all by myself!!

So there it is my list of things I think people wouldn't expect of me. That was hard and I had to have hubby help me because you really don't think about what other people expect or don't expect of yourself. Or at least I don't really think about that. Do you? I would love to have someone comment on my blog!!! Please leave comment below and let me know!! :)

Day 11 of 30 day challenge-my skin care regime.

Ok this is another weird challenge day...Day 11 of my 30 day blogger challenge is about my skin care regime.

I've always had very good skin. When all of my friends struggled with lots of pimples, I hardly ever had a pimple! I was very lucky! I used Bonnie Bell 10.0.6 on my face when I was a teenager. I still don't have a problem with my skin and my face is always clear so when it comes to skin care I don't do much. I  use Tone daily detox white clay and pink jasmine with vitamin E it smells amazing!!! I wash my face with it in the shower and that is my facial regime. I use moisturizer on my face when I think about it. I use Pink brand lotion and body mist on the rest of my body every time I get out of the shower. As far as sun screen...I try to avoid the sun as much as possible!! That is it as for as my skin care regime.
This post is short today because I'm lazy when it comes to my skin care...I know I will probably regret this one day soon...ughhhhhh.